"It's only a Mission Statement" - Jerry McGuire
Now, I will be quite frank. I am not a scholar, nor will I profess to be.
But, I do believe I have an understanding of what is important to me and what I want out of my life. I don't know why I even writing this, but I do know that it is important to me that I do. Maybe when I have finished, the reason will come more to light. I do believe that you do not judge a relationship by the amount of problems that you have, but how well you can deal with them and I believe that if the elements that I describe below exist, then there will be no reason for the relationship to fail.
The best way I can describe how I feel about a relationship is to equate it to a tree. As with a tree, every relationship needs to have a Root, Trunk, and Branches to allow it to survive and flourish. The roots needs to be fed, the trunk needs to be protected and the branches of leaves need to see the light in order for it to survive. I will try to go through each part one at a time, from the bottom to the top.
THE ROOT
"Trust"
Trust is the root of any relationship. Without trust at the root the relationship will die, it is what feeds and allows the truck to remain strong and branches of this tree to grow and flourish. This root needs to be strong and able to hold the tree firmly in place during the fiercest storm.
THE TRUNK
"The Safe Place"
Now this is a hard thing to explain, but it is so very important to a relationship. Every relationship should have a safe place. Somewhere within the heart of the relationship where you can go for understanding, support and forgiveness. Somewhere where you can discuss any problems, mistakes, questions, etc. This is where all the branches go to draw what is necessary for them to grow. This place should be protected by a strong bark, in that no matter what the problem is, no matter what mistake has been made, the core of the relationship remains intact and protected. A place where you can go when you have a disagreement and know that no matter what, the relationship is safe. This is where the main life blood of the tree moves. This life blood is called "RESPECT". Respect for your partner, the relationship and yourself. If you allow this trunk to be damaged, or strip it's protective bark away. It will bleed, and the respect will be lost from the tree.
THE BRANCHES
"Open, Honest Communication"
This is the first branch of the tree, and is one of the most important. It is the closest to the root and the trunk. If the Root (Trust) is strong, and the Trunk (The Safe Place) is well protected. This branch should grow into a strong bough. It is important that the you do not hold your feelings, questions, concerns and fears inside. They need to see the light, they need to be combined with the trust and the respect so they can be transformed into understanding. They only way this can happen is that you need to have the ability to talk and listen with understanding (Trust+Respect=Understanding) about any subject without fear or malice. This branch feeds directly off the Trunk (The Safe Place).
"Agree to Disagree"
This is an offshoot of the communication branch. You have to be able to respect that you will not always agree on every issue. You should always keep an open mind and have the ability to discuss your point and listen to the points of your partner. Each time you discuss these issues it should be done in the "Safe Place" and it should be feed with a healthy dose of Respect from the Trunk.
"Needs"
Now this is another offshoot of the communication branch. No one is a mind reader, and everyone will at certain points in their life will have needs that they would like met. You should be sensitive enough to see those needs, but sometimes life can cloud your vision, so you should be able to talk and listen to your partner about your/their needs and desires and do everything possible to fulfill them. You cannot assume that you partner will always know what it is you want, sometimes you will have to talk to him/her about it.
This is one of the branches that keeps the Communication branch strong.
"Romance"
Now this is a branch that sometimes does not get the attention it deserves, but, it is very important and it should not just be the sole domain of the man. It is important to let your partner know how much she/he means to you.
You have to let them know that they are the part of your life that makes you whole and complete. Flowers for no particular reason, a note to say "I LOVE YOU", a card, a caress, even just the simple gesture of saying "I Love You" are all important. Everyone needs to know that they are loved and important in their partners lives. This branch should be strong and full of leaves.
"Sensuality"
This branch is an offshoot of the "Romance" branch. If the "Romance" branch is strong it will feed this branch quite well. You should never underestimate the power of seduction. A surprise weekend getaway, candle light, a sexy nightgown, spontaneously making love in the kitchen (living room, dining room, car, boat, train, etc, etc), etc. It is very important that you let your partner know that you do desire them, you are turned on by them, you want them. There is nothing like the feeling of being desired.
"Desire to Remain Desirable"
Now this is one of the branches that should grow off sensuality branch. You should have a desire to remain desirable. You should care enough about yourself and your partner to not allow yourself to become undesirable to your partner. You should care about the image that your partner has of you. Now this is not to say that this does not happen. Believe me I have lacked in this department from time to time, but you should also have understanding and compassion for your partner if they should slip. (See "The Safe Place", "Open Honest Communication" Branches)
"Sense of Self"
Now here is a branch that sometimes is not seen for what it is. It is important that you understand how important it is for each person to have a feeling of self. You have to allow each other to grow and develop as individuals. You cannot try to control the other person, take away what makes them happy. You have to feed that happiness, allow them to express who they are and who they want to be and be supportive of it.
"Dreams"
This is the very top of this tree, You need to have dreams and goals that you can work together to achieve. A common sense of purpose. Some place where your future can live.
Conclusion
Now this is not by any means the only branches that are on this tree. I'm sure as I look deeper in the tree I will see many more that I will add as time goes on. As with any tree, new branches grow all the time and that is as it should be. Each relationship is different and has different needs, and just like in a forest no two trees are exactly the same, but the main components are always there.
Richard G. L'Hommedieu
